Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Time to Step Back, Just a Bit..

I try not to overshare. But, lately, I feel like I do. Or at least that people think I do. It's not like I'm detailing every aspect of my life online (well maybe a little bit on Snapchat.) I'm definitely better than I was before. Thanks to these Facebook Memories, I can see exactly how much I used to overshare. It really amazes me that people still liked me after that. Or maybe they didn't and they were pretending. I don't detail my relationship (or lack of) online anymore. I don't rant as often on Twitter, post too excessively on Instagram. But I still feel like I need to take a step back. And so I'm slowly pulling myself off of social media. I'm snapping less, even while traveling. I don't actually post much on Facebook anyway, just re-share all those memes and weird pictures or food videos. Other than that, no real status updates or posts. Instagram will be the one thing I don't abandon completely because I want to keep my stats up. Not that I post anything groundbreaking. But I'm still deciding if I want to turn it over into a more food/makeup oriented account.

I think the disappointment in people from my birthday weekend also played a part in me wanting to share less. These people are NOT my friends. They're people I know from somewhere or the other. Past coworkers, people I've met in social gatherings, friends of friends of friends. But not real, or really there for me. They always say you "lose" more friends the older you get. And I never understood it before, but I do now. There are all these people who are situational, and so few who are there for you. I've also learned that the length of time I have known someone means absolutely nothing. It does not determine any obligations we have towards each other, and it definitely does not mean we have to remain close or the opposite - that we can't be close. People change, grow apart, are at different stages in their lives.. So I've learned to let go of some people, no matter if I've known them for over 10 years. And in the same token, learned that some of the newer people in my life can be just as close as the long termers.

All in all, I am taking a breather. I need to focus on myself and those who are willing to come with me on the journey.

- L

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today is my 29th birthday. I made it another lap around the sun. I've survived all the bullshit that this year has brought me (so far.) And yet I'm sitting here minutes after midnight with a tear stained face. It's hit me pretty hard out of nowhere how utterly alone I am. I knew it was coming, tried to prepare for it, but I wasn't ready. This is my first birthday in over 8 years that I'm alone. Not just single, but alone. I'm just sitting here in my room freaking out and reflecting on life. I don't have a person that I can call up and have them come over. I don't have that person that's always there for me. For a long time that was him. And now it's not. And it sucks.

I "celebrated" my birthday this past weekend. But I use that term loosely. I went out on Saturday night and then crashed all day Sunday with a hangover so bad that I had to cancel brunch. But even the planning of my birthday night Saturday and brunch was a headache. I always say that people are unreliable and I'm going to stop planning events for my birthday. But I forge ahead anyway and always end up disappointed. So sadly, this is my last year doing it. While I do appreciate the people who always come out for me and show me love, it's frustrating dealing with everyone else. The people who said they were coming, but failed to show up on the day of, or even respond to messages. Or if they do come, but it's half hearted and I feel like they're not really there. I'm just so over it. I shouldn't be planning anything for myself to begin with, but I've never had that person to do things like that for me. No birthday surprise get togethers. No surprise birthday cake. ::sigh::

And I don't want to sound ungrateful for the things I did get from my ride or dies. I loved everything they did for me. And I know it's not about the material. Trust me. Because money CAN'T buy happiness. Otherwise I'd be Mary F*n Poppins the way I've been buying things lately.. But I want that person. I want my twisted sister, my Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey. And I really want my McDreamy aka Derrick. Until then though, I'm going to keep it more low key. Fall back a bit and see where life takes me. I can't be the source of entertainment for other people. And that's how it feels right now. So maybe I'll do some more soul searching and make myself unavailable. See who reaches our and who doesn't. Figure out what I need to do to make myself happy. Get a dog. Join a new group. Volunteer. Something. I don't know. But I need to find something to do to get out of my shell.

This was a crappy post, especially for my birthday, but I just had to get it out there.

Let's hope my Dirty 30 goes better.
- L

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A New Outlook..

It struck me today that I'm always worried about what everyone else thinks. Putting everyone else's needs before mine. Making sure everyone else is happy. But what about me? What about my needs? My happiness? When do I get to be selfish and just worry about myself? Whether my (almost ex) husband, my job, or my family, I am always doing for them and putting myself last. Granted there is no such thing as an all encompassing eternal happiness, but the small things have to count right? Mostly I'm thinking about my marriage here, but my job might be getting there too... 

Was I giving too much of myself and putting myself to the side for this man's happiness? I know I have friends on both sides of the argument. Those who think I should cut him off completely and forget about him. And those who want me to give him a second chance and take him back. None of what anyone else thinks matters though, It only matters what him and I choose to do. How we feel. But I am definitely starting to look at it differently. I mean there are two of us in the relationship, but the decision we made to separate was based on what would make HIM happier. Not me. I came out on the losing end (depending on how you look at it.) Why should I give in to what he wants? I've got feelings and emotions too! Either way though, we made the choice so he could feel better about doing what he's doing and still have the chance (if he wants to) come back. Lately though, I feel like it's less and less of a possibility. Not based on anything he has said, but based on how I feel. I look at him differently now. I see his flaws and weigh them more heavily than I did before. I'm beginning to look into the future for what I want. And it's refreshing. I can see a future where I'm happy - even if it's all by my lonesome. 

I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be by being alone. I LOVE it. No one to answer to, no one to have to worry about. I can go about my business without a care in the world. Create a living space I feel comfortable in, that I enjoy looking at and being in. It's so damn liberating. I can have people over and enjoy the company (Game Night folks I see y'all!) and not worry if anyone else might be bothered by it. Sure I still get spooked by weird sounds late at night, and the occasional thunder, but you know what? I'm getting through it. Now if I can get over my freak outs over bugs/insect/spiders, then I'll be in the clear. But I'm taking it all in stride. 

As for work, I obviously can't put myself first, but I can be less of a pushover. I'll work on that behind the scenes. 

Here's to thinking about me for once!
- L