Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A New Outlook..

It struck me today that I'm always worried about what everyone else thinks. Putting everyone else's needs before mine. Making sure everyone else is happy. But what about me? What about my needs? My happiness? When do I get to be selfish and just worry about myself? Whether my (almost ex) husband, my job, or my family, I am always doing for them and putting myself last. Granted there is no such thing as an all encompassing eternal happiness, but the small things have to count right? Mostly I'm thinking about my marriage here, but my job might be getting there too... 

Was I giving too much of myself and putting myself to the side for this man's happiness? I know I have friends on both sides of the argument. Those who think I should cut him off completely and forget about him. And those who want me to give him a second chance and take him back. None of what anyone else thinks matters though, It only matters what him and I choose to do. How we feel. But I am definitely starting to look at it differently. I mean there are two of us in the relationship, but the decision we made to separate was based on what would make HIM happier. Not me. I came out on the losing end (depending on how you look at it.) Why should I give in to what he wants? I've got feelings and emotions too! Either way though, we made the choice so he could feel better about doing what he's doing and still have the chance (if he wants to) come back. Lately though, I feel like it's less and less of a possibility. Not based on anything he has said, but based on how I feel. I look at him differently now. I see his flaws and weigh them more heavily than I did before. I'm beginning to look into the future for what I want. And it's refreshing. I can see a future where I'm happy - even if it's all by my lonesome. 

I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be by being alone. I LOVE it. No one to answer to, no one to have to worry about. I can go about my business without a care in the world. Create a living space I feel comfortable in, that I enjoy looking at and being in. It's so damn liberating. I can have people over and enjoy the company (Game Night folks I see y'all!) and not worry if anyone else might be bothered by it. Sure I still get spooked by weird sounds late at night, and the occasional thunder, but you know what? I'm getting through it. Now if I can get over my freak outs over bugs/insect/spiders, then I'll be in the clear. But I'm taking it all in stride. 

As for work, I obviously can't put myself first, but I can be less of a pushover. I'll work on that behind the scenes. 

Here's to thinking about me for once!
- L

Friday, July 22, 2016

And So it Begins..

I got my blood test results back from my doctor this morning. I was expecting to get the all clear and hear that I'm good to go. Not this time. He said my Hemoglobin A1C levels were high and that I was on the borderline for diabetes. Sigh. This is even more important as I have a family history of diabetes. I do not want to go down this road. So it's time I get serious about my health and stop pushing it to the side, stop saying I'm too young, I feel fine, etc. I can't make any more excuses. I just have to buck up and do it. He told me to cut carbs and watch my sugar, which I kept telling myself I was going to do anyway. But now it's for real. The journey begins now!

On another note, I realized how casual my office is when I joked about someone not dressing down for Casual Friday. A few of my friends pointed out to me that they don't really believe in it. Jeans, T's and sneakers never make an appearance in the office. Oops. I guess I missed that memo... I guess I never really thought about it since everyone else dresses down. And I know you're supposed to follow your manager and higher ups lead, but they all dress casually on a day to day basis to begin with - our dress code is business casual. But they never really enforce it, and almost everyone here pushes the limit of what business casual means. For the most part, I do stick to traditional business casual, but I have my days where I don't put as much effort and it is questionable. On Fridays I don't get too crazy, but I do wear jeans and a T, sometimes sneakers. Nothing with loud prints/colors. Always solid or simple striped T's, solid (usually dark) jeans, and plain black sneakers (when I wear them.) Now I feel like the odd man out. Is this really acceptable? Is Casual Friday something you're not really supposed to participate in? I guess moving forward I'll slowly reel it back. But my office is small, so I know they will notice if something changes and comment on it. Like when I started wearing makeup and dressing up a bit nicer, they assumed I was doing interviews or going out on dates, which wasn't the case. I'll just deal with it like I always do.

I guess it's time to own being an adult. No time for personal crises here. First order - get health in check. Then work on professional wardrobe. I've got all the other adulting things down, so I don't know why I didn't get these....

Til the next one,
- L

Friday, June 24, 2016

Where has it gone?

This month my Facebook memories showed me a ton of posts where I talked about how fly I was, or how great I felt. And it's making me wonder where all of that self-love and confidence has gone. I'm not a body shamer, nor do I hate myself. But I have lost the oomph that made me strut my stuff. Maybe the loss of confidence is exuded in my personality and why I am not gaining as much traction as I would like as a newly single woman. Who knows. Maybe it is in my head. But these posts really got me wondering. Where did it go? Why did it leave? Why did I let it? What changed for/with me? Did I get complacent, or too comfortable and thus stopped caring about how I looked and then that in turn made me feel less than stellar and more self-conscious? Enough that I started to second guess myself? I know I can do better, I've always felt that way. But lately, I am more disappointed with what I see in the mirror. I've got to change that. I mean look at this:

This is just one example that showed up. I re-shared this one, but there are quite a few I didn't. I'm wondering how people weren't so sick of my posts, or if they were, why they never blocked me. Haha. Even this morning I thought about something from roughly 2005/2006 era.

I guess I've got to get my groove back!

Have a good weekend everyone ;-)

- L