Thursday, June 22, 2017

Oh Sister, Sister

To say the past few weeks have been rough is an understatement. I woke up Sat, May 20th, 2017 to get ready for work in Cali and got a message that threw me for a loop. My half sister - whom I have not spoken to in years - sent me a message on Facebook to tell me our father passed away the night before. She didn't have a contact number for me and told me to call her. I did so immediately and broke down once I heard her say it out loud. It seemed so surreal. This couldn't be happening, how could it be? There are things in life you can never be prepared for, and this was one of them. I couldn't believe it and didn't know how to process it. I still don't. My sister said she would keep me posted about arrangements, etc. I told my managers what happened and changed my flight to go home that day.

It was a long flight home and I couldn't didn't want to think about anything. So I zoned out to movies on the plane. And wouldn't you know that I watched movies that revolved somewhat about death? Maybe it was a subconscious thing. I watched PS, I Love You because Gerard Butler is funny. Not even realizing it was about him helping his wife move on after he was gone. Next up was The Departed with George Clooney because you can't go wrong with Clooney. And there he was dealing with taking his wife off life support and dealing with the emotions involved with that (and yes, finding out she cheated on him.) On some level, I related to both movies and felt all the feels on level 200 intensity. I was a crying, snotty mess in the middle seat. It was not a pretty sight.

I have had regrets. That I didn't try harder to get to know my dad (even if he was an asshole.) That it took me so long to want to go meet him. That I didn't ask my mom about him sooner. But in the end, none of that can be changed and I can't let it bring me down. Maybe one day I'll explain my dad's story, but not now. Not here. What I do regret, is that it took my father's passing for me and my sister to meet. But I am still grateful for it.

After all these years, I finally met my sister on Sat, June 10th, 2017. I was nervous, yet excited about meeting her. Nervous because what if she didn't like me? What if I wasn't cool enough? What if I didn't meet her expectations? Excited because after wanting a sibling for so long, I was going to get one. A real life sister of my own. I tried to calm myself down and not go in all gung ho. I didn't want to scare her off. We're technically strangers. After a few phone conversations, I had felt more comfortable speaking with my sis and more confident in meeting her. But it did not prepare me for that day, seeing her in person, up close, living and breathing in HD, full color.

We hung out a few times while I was there (FLL) and spent some time getting to know each other. While we didn't make it to best friend level (c'mon son) I could see the similarities in our personalities, and also the differences. I'm older than her by 9 years (!!) so we aren't quite at the same stage in life, but not far enough to make it impossible to relate to each other. I'm not going to force the relationship. I just want to be here for her when she is ready. And prepare myself to be a real-life big sister and get myself together so I can be a better role model.

- L

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Feelings... (With a LONG Overdue Update)

Feelings...there are a lot of those floating around lately. And it’s getting draining trying to suppress them like they aren’t there, like they aren’t important. It’s finally hitting me all at once and I am a hot mess. With everything going on at work and in my ‘ship life, I can’t handle it right now. At the very least my apartment is mostly together, so that’s one less thing to worry about. I forgot, it’s been awhile, so y’all don’t know! I moved into a new apartment in Jan. I got it on my own and its Mr ex free. Something that’s 100% my own space. And it feels great. It took a lot of adjusting to get used to it. But I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I can say I did this, this is mine. Spread my arms out and re-enact that scene from “The Sound of Music” where Julie Andrews is in the field of flowers. It just makes me feel GREAT. I am grateful I was able to get that part of my life together and take that step.

But back to all these pesky little feelings.. and other things you aren’t all aware of. I filed for divorce in Dec, right around the holidays because that’s as good a time as any right? He wasn’t going to initiate it until he had the money, etc etc (insert excuses here) but I needed it done for something else and I didn’t want to spend 2017 in even more limbo. I wanted to make it a clean break and a fresh start. So I took myself to court and submitted the paperwork one day before work. Let me tell you something. It is no easy task to do your own divorce. We don’t have any kids or assets to split, so not worth a lawyer. But jeez.. the forms are never-ending. Then there’s a waiting game to see if a judge will approve everything. Silly me, I didn’t know it would take a few MONTHS before I got a decision. I don’t know why I assumed it would have been all done in a few weeks. But as of 4/3/2017 I am officially divorced. I’m now a single woman and can take my name back. *APPLAUSE*

Everyone’s asked me how I felt about it and I just kind of shrugged it off. They’re expecting me to be sad, devastated, lost. But I’m happy that it’s over right? Put on a nonchalant fa├žade about it. Fuck it, he doesn’t know what he lost, I’m better off without him right? WRONG. I’ve tried to hide all the feels. But they’re finally catching up to me. It’s bittersweet maybe? I can breathe a sigh of relief now that I can close that chapter. But then I’m saddened that it is over. Even though I can stand back and look at everything that wasn’t ideal about our relationship/marriage, it still hurts. It still sucks. I had loved him. We loved each other. And now it’s over. That was a lot of time/energy/emotion invested for it to end like that. Then there is all this vulnerability that comes with it. Did I really do my best? Did we really try to make it work? We could have done counseling, therapy. We could have sat down and tried to listen to each other. But ultimately I know none of that would have made a difference. We grew apart. We are not the same people we were in college. Still I feel rejected. The man I married, the one I committed myself to, promised to love forever no longer wants me. After our separation, he came to the conclusion that I was not for him. The relationship was not what he wanted or needed at this juncture in his life. And that shit fucking hurts. No one wants to feel rejected, and isn’t this one of the biggest rejections? Granted, I came to the same conclusion that this relationship wasn’t for me, but still… Sigh.

I haven’t exactly thrown myself into dating either, not enthusiastically anyway. I somehow can’t manage to fully wrap my head around being single, how to be single. It’s been a long time and the game has changed. I talked to a few guys, but nothing serious. I vacillate between wanting a relationship and wanting to just enjoy my freedom and having my own space. Not having to explain myself to anyone, go about my own business and just be me. But then I want a kid(s) and how can that happen if there’s no one in the picture? I’m also not ready for that. Is there a timeline I should follow? An amount of time I’m supposed to be single before I hit the streets looking for Mr. material? Do I even want to get married again? (Probably not….)

For as much crap as I talk, I am not the better person here. I talk smack to make it seem like I’m fine. And maybe one day I will be. But right now I am not. Remember folks, everything you see on the surface, or on social media, is not what’s real. You are only seeing what I want you to see, what I want to show you. I DO NOT have my life together by any means. I only seem like I do.

On that note. I will end this essay here.

- L

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Time to Step Back, Just a Bit..

I try not to overshare. But, lately, I feel like I do. Or at least that people think I do. It's not like I'm detailing every aspect of my life online (well maybe a little bit on Snapchat.) I'm definitely better than I was before. Thanks to these Facebook Memories, I can see exactly how much I used to overshare. It really amazes me that people still liked me after that. Or maybe they didn't and they were pretending. I don't detail my relationship (or lack of) online anymore. I don't rant as often on Twitter, post too excessively on Instagram. But I still feel like I need to take a step back. And so I'm slowly pulling myself off of social media. I'm snapping less, even while traveling. I don't actually post much on Facebook anyway, just re-share all those memes and weird pictures or food videos. Other than that, no real status updates or posts. Instagram will be the one thing I don't abandon completely because I want to keep my stats up. Not that I post anything groundbreaking. But I'm still deciding if I want to turn it over into a more food/makeup oriented account.

I think the disappointment in people from my birthday weekend also played a part in me wanting to share less. These people are NOT my friends. They're people I know from somewhere or the other. Past coworkers, people I've met in social gatherings, friends of friends of friends. But not real, or really there for me. They always say you "lose" more friends the older you get. And I never understood it before, but I do now. There are all these people who are situational, and so few who are there for you. I've also learned that the length of time I have known someone means absolutely nothing. It does not determine any obligations we have towards each other, and it definitely does not mean we have to remain close or the opposite - that we can't be close. People change, grow apart, are at different stages in their lives.. So I've learned to let go of some people, no matter if I've known them for over 10 years. And in the same token, learned that some of the newer people in my life can be just as close as the long termers.

All in all, I am taking a breather. I need to focus on myself and those who are willing to come with me on the journey.

- L