Sunday, September 27, 2009

Epiphany

Originally written 9/25/09 12:50am

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, especially over the last few days. A lot has been going on and I find myself slacking in some areas, but using that 'slack' to focus on other things. It finally came to be that besides the fact that I fucked up a lot along the way to my great revelation, I finally know what I want out of life. I have a goal in mind for my career/education. This is a great achievement for me because I was really unsure before about what I wanted to do with myself. Now, I know. I'm excited and happy, BUT still doing my research. I've realized that because it has taken me so long to figure out my career, that actually taking the right steps towards it will be a little bit harder. My undergraduate credits are not going to be geared towards the field I want to get into, so I will have to see how/if I am able to make it possible, without spending more time as an undergrad.

Along with that, I also know that I have to get another job. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I am determined to move out of my mom's place by the summer. I have to work my ass off and save money, but staying here is not an option anymore. We get into way too many arguments over bullshit and its time. I'll be 22 in 3 weeks. I'll be graduating in a few months. I need space to be me and do my thing. Spread my wings and take life on by the horns. I can't do this while I'm still living with my mom and put under her constraints. I love her and all, but we're both ready for me to go on my own merry way.

As far as relationships go..... I'm not even putting that up here. Lets just leave it at the fact that I learned a lot about open, honest communication. It goes a long long way. As does taking a minute out to stop and think before saying things and think about how the other person is going to receive and react to/feel about what's going to be said. I realize and understand that I have a lot of growing up to do. I'm still not fully a mature, responsible adult, no matter how much I may think I am. There's a lot life has to offer and it can be very enjoyable with the right mindset. I'm going to be a better person for me and everyone else that has to deal with me. One step, one day at a time.

That's all for now

-L

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Out There Somewhere

Somewhere out there I know
There's a place I can call home

Somewhere out there
There's a place full of peaceful bliss
Where there is just calm and good
Never-ending days of joy and happiness
A place where all your worries just slip away
As you dance free in the wind
Somewhere where all your secrets are forgotten
Where sunshine kisses your face
And the flowers bloom in glory

Where its never too cold and you don't have to wear a coat
Where the rain falls gently
And splashes your face as you watch in wonder
And splash in the puddles without a care in the world

Somewhere out there there's a place like that for me
And I won't stop looking until I've found it

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Life Lessons

I've come to realize a lot in the past few weeks. A) That I don't have many real friends, B) That having a job is a luxury, C) That I've taken too many things for granted, and D) That I have made a lot of mistakes.

A) My few close friends from high school that I managed to keep in touch with over the past few years have both been home for the summer for awhile and I have yet to see any of them. Granted I know we've all been busy, but it's been months and months since we last saw each other face to face. We don't even keep in contact anymore. It's come to an occasional comment on FB here and there once in a blue moon. Texts and phone calls seem to be asking too much now. Before, it was constant. We'd always be on the phone, texting, chatting it up on AIM. Now I don't even hear from them. I don't know anything about them, nor do they know anything about me. It's sad really, but I know people grow apart and move on with their lives, and I guess our time has come.

This "time off" from work has also shown me who my true friends are amongst my co-workers, if I can even call them friends. How about it has shown me who really, in a small way, cares. Out of all these people that I work with and talk to, I get along fairly well with most of them. Everyone was 'sad' to see me get suspended, yet I have only heard from a handful of people and can literally count on one hand how many people have still spoken to me, even though I wasn't at work, or even hung out with me. Maybe a few on FB have asked me how I'm doing, or said they missed me, but that puts me at less than 2 hands. I don't expect everyone to be my friend, and I know people have their own shit to deal with, but real talk, it showed me most definitely who's real and who's fake. Things will be different when I go back to work, believe that. For those few that did keep in touch, I appreciate it. Made me feel good.

B) I know people are like 'huh? how can having a job be a luxury?' The definition of luxury from Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online - "something adding to pleasure or comfort but not absolutely necessary" Having a job is not absolutely necessary, but it sure does make life more comfortable. It gives you easier access to money, the means to which you make your life more comfortable through other luxuries. There are people out there that don't have jobs or don't work and are still out there living life, just not comfortably. Yeah there are those few that don't have to work and are dependent on others for support. But they are the exception, not the rule. And even then, to an extent, they lose the luxury of their freedom because they depend on someone else's income. They can't necessarily do as they please if someone else has that power over them. Get my point now?

C) Now that I've learned that having a job is a luxury, I realize that I have taken many of my jobs in the past for granted and never given a thought to what it would be like to not have a job. Now that reality has hit, a steady source of income is something I realize I need. Not only do I have bills that come in monthly, but the daily cost of living hits hard too. Sure I live at home with my mom, so I don't have to pay rent, and that's one bill less to pay. But she doesn't feed me all the damn time, I have to buy my own shit, pay for transportation, etc. You get the idea. It costs money to leave the house and hang out. Just because someone hired you, doesn't mean they have to keep you. That mentality has been changed. Simple everyday things like being able to buy lunch and get my nails and eyebrows done used to be like ok I got this, no problem. Now I'm like 'hmmm... gotta make that 20 last 3 weeks' It's been a rude awakening that's for sure. I know you're like 'ok, what about your savings' Proceed to D.

D) I fucked up. Plain and simple. I made some bad choices and I am one of those in the 18-24 category that got all twisted when I got a credit card, or should I say several? There's a lot of other underlying things to be said here, but those are way way WAY too personal to be putting up here. Let's just say I was influenced by a certain person to put my neck out there for them, with false promises, along with my naivety in believing they could do no wrong. Bottom line is - I'm paying for it now. Could have gotten them to cover their asses, but wasn't worth the hassle or drama. I just won't be making that mistake ever again. Can't trust everybody, doesn't matter who they are to you at the time. Don't let people take your kindness for weakness and don't let them walk all over you. At this point it doesn't really matter anymore. If no one is willing to stick their neck out for me, why should I stick mine out? I've just become a bitter person, but I'll be one stingy bitch getting my finances together and forming some real strong and stable relationships. No time or room for the fakeness here.

Anyway, I've learned a lot from my mistakes and fuck ups. I hope that for whoever reads this they can take something from this. It's not just crazy babbling.

- L

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Just a Random Thought

If I were to meet any of my fantasy guys, I don't know what I would do. In all reality, probably nothing. I can imagine I'd be to shy to so much as even say hello. That or I'd be drooling mouth all open, or at best, probably not even notice. (let me stop lying my fantasy guys would have every female in sight in a frenzy) I don't know about you all, but I doubt I'd do more than smile and stare, maybe make an attempt to look cute, fail and then just walk away to try and save face. :-)

This only comes up because I was thinking about this one time I told someone about one of the looks that I like guys to have and it clearly wasn't the look they had, but they tried to pull it off anyway. But they didn't get it right and kinda screwed it up, so I never really brought it up again. I had one other guy that just looked at me like WTF why do you like that look when I told him about it, so since those two incidents I have not even thought about bringing it up again. If it's not that specific person's style, then never mind. That's what eye candy is for. I'm not trying to impose anything on anyone. I still wonder though what he'd look like.... Nah let me stop! No offense to my guy, but I already know he'd never be able to pull it off. We were looking around for outfit ideas for next weekend (I'm planning something special) and we didn't really agree on a lot. His style is different, but it goes with him and who he is. I have very few gripes with anything he wears and I usually tell him.

Anyway, this whole thing was random, as a result of me day dreaming on the train. LOL

- L

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Resurgence of the Past?

Lately it seems like a lot of people from my past have started to and keep on popping up and are trying to get back into my life via previous roles they've had in it. Thankfully it hasn't been any of my serious exes, but rather dudes (yes they've been mostly dudes, how funny right?) that I've messed around with or used to talk to in the past. It's making that saying about how you can never truly leave your past behind you, come true.

Most of them have found me on the internet via FB, AIM, and Yahoo. The thing about it is that I've had the same email and im screenname for as long as I can remember, probably about 10 years now. One dude was texting me from our mutual friend's cell! I was texting the friend to see how he was doing, we hadn't spoken in awhile and this other dude was texting me back. I didn't even know he was back in NY (last I had heard he was in FL with his girl) How funny is that! Other people I've just been running into at random on the street. Just goes to show you, you never know who you'll bump into and you should always look well put together! LOL

So to avoid any further findings, I changed my im name, only use that email for spam (which I have been doing for about a year now. It was a fluke that person caught me when I was on it) and I've changed my name on FB as well as stopped giving out my real # and started giving out my Google #, doesn't matter who you are, that's the # you're getting from now on. Better not lose your phone!

I'm not trying to run away from my past, I'm not ashamed of it, but people are so damn persistent, even after I told them I was involved, and ignoring them doesn't work. The 'mister' and I have not delved into the delicate details of our past with each other and if any of it is going to come to light, it'll be on our terms, not from any of these ignorant assholes trying to make a come back, if they so decide to do anything stupid. I like the way things are now. Regardless of all the bull going on in my life, I'm still happy and no one is going to change that if I can help it.

Anyway, that was a side rant. Going to try and sleep now. Its 1:30 in the morning and I have school.

- L