Sunday, March 11, 2012

Finally Realizing Something..

And the light bulb has gone off.. Ding! After the 10,000th argument discussion with the Mister about this one specific topic that has been plaguing us for some time now, I had an epiphany. Or so to speak. But I did figure out one or two things about myself that I should have learned a long time ago. But anyway now that I have realized this, the next step is to figure out how to deal with it without killing our relationship. Let me go a few steps back to what "it" is.

I have always been very stubborn and set on doing things my way and learning for myself and here it is. As I mentioned before, I have quite a bit of growing up to do. I pay bills, go to work, have limited responsibilities, but that does not make me an adult or grown up. Not completely. I am still dependent on others in some aspects. I have not fully made myself independent, nor do I really know how to. (I'm beginning to ramble a bit here, forgive me.) Facts are facts though. I need to be more independent and know what its like to really be on my own. My mom threw me out of her house, and I moved in with him. No questions asked, without a second thought. Now I realize it was not the best thing to do. Funny, but for as psycho as my ex was, he did make a valid point to me one time and I now see how true it is. He told me there was going to be a point in my life where I needed to make that journey of self discovery and need to be on my own. I laughed at him then and thought he was spitting bullshit, but I know now that it is true. I've never lived alone, or had any real alone time. On my days off, I do errands, run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I make plans for every second of spare time I have, but I don't sleep and always complain that I'm tired. And then I wonder why I'm stressed. It's a self hating cycle. And I'm done with it. I do not like the way things are, or the person that I am right now. I feel like I was doing better and now I slipped up and have to go to rehab. I've lost the little sliver of the person I was discovering. Time to switch things up and become a better person, not for anyone else, but for me. Although I think quite a few people would benefit from a more relaxed and calm Lori. LOL

Anyway.... point of this all - I need ME time, to gather myself, take a step back from everything and just do the things that make me happy. Its sad that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. But there are solutions on the horizon. Coming back to blogging helps, even if no one reads this. Its for me, I can look back at this and just reflect and think about the things that I have been through and see how much (if anything) has changed and keep at it. The blog is like a little reminder of things to work on without making it work. If that makes sense. But I'm 1000% sure that after I get my new schedule for work, the first thing I'm going to do is plan and take a vacation. I need one for sure. I've never appreciated or understood how important stuff like this is, but now that I do, I will be doing it more frequently. And I'm definitely going to make it mandatory. Maybe 2x a year if I can afford it. But then again sometimes a "stay-cation" is all I may need. Shoot, I bought a Groupon for a massage and have yet to cash in on it. I will definitely do that ASAP. Maybe even have spa days once a month for good measure. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself. Besides if you don't, who will?

All in all, I will be taking some more measures to be more relaxed and stress free. It might just make me slightly more tolerable to be around.

This is kind of longer than I wanted it to be, so I will stop here. Through all this jumble, there was only one thing here. I will think on the other things I thought about to see if they are blog appropriate.

Later folks.

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