Saturday, July 28, 2012

Disappointment and Heartache

I don't even know why I do it to myself. I make these plans, things I wanna do, things I wanna see, etc. I really psych myself out and say "this time I'm gonna do it" but it never happens. I don't want to go do things by myself. Half the time if not all the time, I make these plans for me and him to go. Because lets be honest where's the fun in going by yourself to travel the world or even just find adventures here in the city? Who are you going to share that with? Most of the time he's right there with me. And I get so excited. Then life happens. It's now the 3rd summer we have not gone anywhere or done anything. Doing errands and going shipping or to the movies does not count. In '09 we were unstoppable, going everywhere and finding adventure no matter how broke we were. Then it's like all these different things started coming up - and they were all completely valid reasons - but it starts to make everything feel so mundane. Work, home, some errands, do it over again til the weekend. The weekend comes and it's never long enough to handle the list of things I have in mind. This summer we have to schedule things around his Saturday games and it's killing me.

I bring it up and he tells me I'm making him feel bad. I'm not trying to, but it is what it is. Don't tell me that we can do things around your games if we can't. He did acknowledge his bad on that. But then at the same time it's like nothing can be done about it. I feel cheated out if things often and don't like it. Where do I draw the line and say "hey I'm gonna do things for ME for once bc I'm tired of doing the same shit" or do I just settle? Maybe I'm just over thinking things, who knows. But I'm ambitious and goal oriented. I'm not one of those people who just wakes up in the morning and is like "whatever happens happens." A lot of the time we clash bc he can have that whatever attitude and it pisses me off. But I really feel like I'm reaching that point where enough is enough and I'm gonna just start being more proactive with or without you. I see everyone else doing shit and living life, so dammit I'm gonna live mine. I'm not getting any younger. Why should I wait til I'm older and my kids are grown up to have fun and live my life? That's not the way it should be.

At times like this I really wish I just had that best friend or sister to just get up an go with.

This is all one big ramble and I don't think I actually made sense. But that's just me venting off bc sometimes I really don't think he gets me and it's not worth the arguments all the time.

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