Thursday, July 25, 2013

Am I Becoming Invisible?

I've always had issues with getting too much attention. Before you go ahead and tell me I'm being cocky or arrogant, I'm not at all trying to be that way. I'm not an attention whore, nor do I think I'm the best thing that ever happened. Quite the contrary actually. I think I'm pretty regular. I have my moments where I do think I'm a bad bitch, but most of the time I'm really self conscious. I don't get what other people see when they call me pretty or beautify, I just can't see it. Anyway, when I hit puberty my body decided it would be funny to spring some B cups on me overnight. At 11-12 when all the other girls were still flat as a board, it became the new thing for everyone to make fun of. Like it wasn't bad enough that I was a social outcast and a mega geek. Random guys started saying stuff on the street, everywhere I went I was getting more and more attention. I was no way at all ready for this attention. It freaked me out. And this is what I have had to deal with as I got older. I got rid of my glasses and BOOM a whole new wave of attention and cat calling. I eventually owned it and let all the comments roll off my back, but there are times I still get rankled by it. I wished I was ugly, or unappealing to guys. I mean can't a gal just walk around and not have anyone even glance her way?

Well it seems that I got my wish. I don't get the cat calls, the "Good Morning Beautiful" anymore. I more or less walk about doing as I please with not so much as a second glance. Even when I'm all dolled up and have my face on, nothing! I used to go to the gym in my raggy old sweats and feel uncomfortable with male attention. Now not a guy in there blinks. Maybe I'm making it up and its part of the quarter life crisis. I mean yes, I did wish it would stop, but damn crickets? Really? Can there be some kind of balance? I guess not. And now I'm sitting here going crazy thinking I'm invisible and it's kind of hurting my very little - but still there- ego. To be fair though, a lot of people must not see or hear me with the way I've been getting stepped on and bumped into by people on the street and in the subway. So I guess I am overreacting huh? LOL at myself. ::le sigh::

In other news, there is no news. I'm just  muddling along. Catching up on TV shows. (Totally love Idris Elba in Luther and cannot wait for what's coming next!) Going to the gym occasionally, which is still better than never :) Also drinking more water and learning to appreciate grapefruit. Baby steps people. I won't transform overnight. No lipo/mia/ana over here.

XX
- L

2 comments:

  1. HA! I know exactly what you mean. I just think culture has changed a bit. An the people who would do it are too young for you now. People would rather like your instagram picture that approach you in person. For some reason the image in my head is of you retting hollered at by random people on the way to Pathmark or something. Someone was guaranteed to call you out over there.

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  2. HAHAHA for sure the Pathmark on Louisiana. But seriously I guess I'm grown now, so nobody's doing it anymore. And if a guy my age did try to holler like that I would be so turned off.

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