Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Time to Step Back, Just a Bit..

I try not to overshare. But, lately, I feel like I do. Or at least that people think I do. It's not like I'm detailing every aspect of my life online (well maybe a little bit on Snapchat.) I'm definitely better than I was before. Thanks to these Facebook Memories, I can see exactly how much I used to overshare. It really amazes me that people still liked me after that. Or maybe they didn't and they were pretending. I don't detail my relationship (or lack of) online anymore. I don't rant as often on Twitter, post too excessively on Instagram. But I still feel like I need to take a step back. And so I'm slowly pulling myself off of social media. I'm snapping less, even while traveling. I don't actually post much on Facebook anyway, just re-share all those memes and weird pictures or food videos. Other than that, no real status updates or posts. Instagram will be the one thing I don't abandon completely because I want to keep my stats up. Not that I post anything groundbreaking. But I'm still deciding if I want to turn it over into a more food/makeup oriented account.

I think the disappointment in people from my birthday weekend also played a part in me wanting to share less. These people are NOT my friends. They're people I know from somewhere or the other. Past coworkers, people I've met in social gatherings, friends of friends of friends. But not real, or really there for me. They always say you "lose" more friends the older you get. And I never understood it before, but I do now. There are all these people who are situational, and so few who are there for you. I've also learned that the length of time I have known someone means absolutely nothing. It does not determine any obligations we have towards each other, and it definitely does not mean we have to remain close or the opposite - that we can't be close. People change, grow apart, are at different stages in their lives.. So I've learned to let go of some people, no matter if I've known them for over 10 years. And in the same token, learned that some of the newer people in my life can be just as close as the long termers.

All in all, I am taking a breather. I need to focus on myself and those who are willing to come with me on the journey.

- L

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today is my 29th birthday. I made it another lap around the sun. I've survived all the bullshit that this year has brought me (so far.) And yet I'm sitting here minutes after midnight with a tear stained face. It's hit me pretty hard out of nowhere how utterly alone I am. I knew it was coming, tried to prepare for it, but I wasn't ready. This is my first birthday in over 8 years that I'm alone. Not just single, but alone. I'm just sitting here in my room freaking out and reflecting on life. I don't have a person that I can call up and have them come over. I don't have that person that's always there for me. For a long time that was him. And now it's not. And it sucks.

I "celebrated" my birthday this past weekend. But I use that term loosely. I went out on Saturday night and then crashed all day Sunday with a hangover so bad that I had to cancel brunch. But even the planning of my birthday night Saturday and brunch was a headache. I always say that people are unreliable and I'm going to stop planning events for my birthday. But I forge ahead anyway and always end up disappointed. So sadly, this is my last year doing it. While I do appreciate the people who always come out for me and show me love, it's frustrating dealing with everyone else. The people who said they were coming, but failed to show up on the day of, or even respond to messages. Or if they do come, but it's half hearted and I feel like they're not really there. I'm just so over it. I shouldn't be planning anything for myself to begin with, but I've never had that person to do things like that for me. No birthday surprise get togethers. No surprise birthday cake. ::sigh::And I don't want to sound ungrateful for the things I did get from my ride or dies. I loved everything they did for me. And I know it's not about the material. Trust me. Because money CAN'T buy happiness. Otherwise I'd be Mary F*n Poppins the way I've been buying things lately.. But I want that person. I want my twisted sister, my Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey. And I really want my McDreamy aka Derrick. Until then though, I'm going to keep it more low key. Fall back a bit and see where life takes me. I can't be the source of entertainment for other people. And that's how it feels right now. So maybe I'll do some more soul searching and make myself unavailable. See who reaches our and who doesn't. Figure out what I need to do to make myself happy. Get a dog. Join a new group. Volunteer. Something. I don't know. But I need to find something to do to get out of my shell.

This was a crappy post, especially for my birthday, but I just had to get it out there. Let's hope my Dirty 30 goes better.

- L

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A New Outlook..

It struck me today that I'm always worried about what everyone else thinks. Putting everyone else's needs before mine. Making sure everyone else is happy. But what about me? What about my needs? My happiness? When do I get to be selfish and just worry about myself? Whether my (almost ex) husband, my job, or my family, I am always doing for them and putting myself last. Granted there is no such thing as an all encompassing eternal happiness, but the small things have to count right? Mostly I'm thinking about my marriage here, but my job might be getting there too... 

Was I giving too much of myself and putting myself to the side for this man's happiness? I know I have friends on both sides of the argument. Those who think I should cut him off completely and forget about him. And those who want me to give him a second chance and take him back. None of what anyone else thinks matters though, It only matters what him and I choose to do. How we feel. But I am definitely starting to look at it differently. I mean there are two of us in the relationship, but the decision we made to separate was based on what would make HIM happier. Not me. I came out on the losing end (depending on how you look at it.) Why should I give in to what he wants? I've got feelings and emotions too! Either way though, we made the choice so he could feel better about doing what he's doing and still have the chance (if he wants to) come back. Lately though, I feel like it's less and less of a possibility. Not based on anything he has said, but based on how I feel. I look at him differently now. I see his flaws and weigh them more heavily than I did before. I'm beginning to look into the future for what I want. And it's refreshing. I can see a future where I'm happy - even if it's all by my lonesome. 

I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be by being alone. I LOVE it. No one to answer to, no one to have to worry about. I can go about my business without a care in the world. Create a living space I feel comfortable in, that I enjoy looking at and being in. It's so damn liberating. I can have people over and enjoy the company (Game Night folks I see y'all!) and not worry if anyone else might be bothered by it. Sure I still get spooked by weird sounds late at night, and the occasional thunder, but you know what? I'm getting through it. Now if I can get over my freak outs over bugs/insect/spiders, then I'll be in the clear. But I'm taking it all in stride. 

As for work, I obviously can't put myself first, but I can be less of a pushover. I'll work on that behind the scenes. 

Here's to thinking about me for once!
- L

Friday, July 22, 2016

And So it Begins..

I got my blood test results back from my doctor this morning. I was expecting to get the all clear and hear that I'm good to go. Not this time. He said my Hemoglobin A1C levels were high and that I was on the borderline for diabetes. Sigh. This is even more important as I have a family history of diabetes. I do not want to go down this road. So it's time I get serious about my health and stop pushing it to the side, stop saying I'm too young, I feel fine, etc. I can't make any more excuses. I just have to buck up and do it. He told me to cut carbs and watch my sugar, which I kept telling myself I was going to do anyway. But now it's for real. The journey begins now!

On another note, I realized how casual my office is when I joked about someone not dressing down for Casual Friday. A few of my friends pointed out to me that they don't really believe in it. Jeans, T's and sneakers never make an appearance in the office. Oops. I guess I missed that memo... I guess I never really thought about it since everyone else dresses down. And I know you're supposed to follow your manager and higher ups lead, but they all dress casually on a day to day basis to begin with - our dress code is business casual. But they never really enforce it, and almost everyone here pushes the limit of what business casual means. For the most part, I do stick to traditional business casual, but I have my days where I don't put as much effort and it is questionable. On Fridays I don't get too crazy, but I do wear jeans and a T, sometimes sneakers. Nothing with loud prints/colors. Always solid or simple striped T's, solid (usually dark) jeans, and plain black sneakers (when I wear them.) Now I feel like the odd man out. Is this really acceptable? Is Casual Friday something you're not really supposed to participate in? I guess moving forward I'll slowly reel it back. But my office is small, so I know they will notice if something changes and comment on it. Like when I started wearing makeup and dressing up a bit nicer, they assumed I was doing interviews or going out on dates, which wasn't the case. I'll just deal with it like I always do.

I guess it's time to own being an adult. No time for personal crises here. First order - get health in check. Then work on professional wardrobe. I've got all the other adulting things down, so I don't know why I didn't get these....

Til the next one,
- L

Friday, June 24, 2016

Where has it gone?

This month my Facebook memories showed me a ton of posts where I talked about how fly I was, or how great I felt. And it's making me wonder where all of that self-love and confidence has gone. I'm not a body shamer, nor do I hate myself. But I have lost the oomph that made me strut my stuff. Maybe the loss of confidence is exuded in my personality and why I am not gaining as much traction as I would like as a newly single woman. Who knows. Maybe it is in my head. But these posts really got me wondering. Where did it go? Why did it leave? Why did I let it? What changed for/with me? Did I get complacent, or too comfortable and thus stopped caring about how I looked and then that in turn made me feel less than stellar and more self-conscious? Enough that I started to second guess myself? I know I can do better, I've always felt that way. But lately, I am more disappointed with what I see in the mirror. I've got to change that. I mean look at this:

This is just one example that showed up. I re-shared this one, but there are quite a few I didn't. I'm wondering how people weren't so sick of my posts, or if they were, why they never blocked me. Haha. Even this morning I thought about something from roughly 2005/2006 era.

I guess I've got to get my groove back!

Have a good weekend everyone ;-)

- L

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Isn't Life Funny?

Facebook really needs to re-do its algorithms, re-evaluate their lives, something. I have never in all the years I've been friends with my husband him, gotten emails about his status updates. But within the past month or so, they email me about his updates. Not even the same time either, at least a few days after. And they just suggested that I make an event for his birthday. LOL I can't figure out how to stop the updates. Maybe I'll just unfriend him. That might be easier. It's almost like that time it suggested my ex's wife to be my friend. Like really?

Facebook isn't always so terrible, as it did show some interesting articles on my newsfeed from Thought Catalog that I generally don't put much stock into. Don't get me wrong, they are good reads (most of the time) but I hardly ever find them applicable to my life. The ones I looked at yesterday, I feel like they apply to my situation and what I'm going through, just a little bit.

I clicked on this article first, and laughed at a few things, then saw this one on the bottom and felt a connection with it/the author. This part especially:

"You deserve someone who never leaves even if they found a better job or made more money or bought a fancier car. Someone who never leaves when they’re at their best, when they can get anyone they want but still choose you, when they don’t even care about exploring all these other ‘options’ to realize your worth because they know what they have and they know that you are one of a kind."

That part right there. Someone who doesn't care about the (un)known options out there. Or rather isn't as interested in them because they love you, they want you, they CHOOSE you. (That last one was a bit Pokemon-ish haha) I shared this on my page, and one of my friends pointed out that we are human and make mistakes and sometimes we take things/people for granted and walking away and coming back makes us appreciate it/you more. I get that, but then there are some people who just know your worth and appreciate you without having to walk away. That's what I'm looking for. It may be a fairytale and never happen, but at least I can hope right? I know there's give and take and sometimes we have to compromise about things. But I'm just not ready to settle yet. I want to keep the hope alive a little bit longer.

- L

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

One Step at a Time..

I did have an angry rant post that I wanted to publish, but I am glad (now) that I didn't. It's been about a week since he moved out now. And oddly enough, I'm ok. The first 2 days, it was awkward and I was spooked about living alone. *Cue in all the Criminal Minds episodes I've watched over the years. * But I've gotten through it and am making progress in getting my apartment together. My miffle (male bestie) took me to Ikea and I stocked up on a few things to freshen up the place. Ladies Night last Friday was a success, even though I was freaking out over my lack of planning for it. You figure I plan events and such for my job, I'd be able to plan my own smaller scale events right? I'll be prepared next time at least!

I'm taking it all in one day at a time, one step at a time. There are times I do still think about everything and get pissed off. But then I let it go. I have to. There isn't enough time to hold onto the grudges. Yeah I still think of him as an asshole sometimes, but then who doesn't think their ex is a shit from time to time? He may not be the worst ex in the world as people like to point out, but he still did some shit things to me. And that's my prerogative. I flipped out a little on twitter the other day about what someone said to me (re: him not being that bad) and maybe said a few things I shouldn't have, but I'm dealing with it better. People will always have opinions because it's easier to comment as an outsider looking in. But since it's my life and my decisions, it's just easier to ignore what they have to say. 

For now, I am not in a rush to get into anything new. I'm taking it easy. I'm ready to focus on myself. Get my shit together. When the time is right (in theory) the right person will come along.

- L

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Catching Up and Reflecting (Sort of)

It's been a long time. I wasn't joking when I said my travel schedule was ramped up in Jan. It still is going strong until mid-May. Then I can take a breather and have more time to myself. Looking back at some of my older posts, it makes me wonder where I found the time to post. I also read through some of my old posts and wondered where in my life I thought I was having these crises. LOL But one thing for sure, I have changed and gained some insight to my life. Some things remain constant - still unsure about work life. I'm still at this job and going through some struggles. Some of my issues and rants have gotten better. That's a plus. So some minor catching up of sorts...

I am no longer married. At least at the moment we are separated and taking time off to see where we will be in a few months before making a final decision. It wasn't easy and I was devastated. Those of you that know me, know that I have never been in a relationship this long, or this fully committed. I've always been faithful, don't get me wrong. But I've never been ride or die, or as down for anyone as I was for him. It hurt. Still does, but I am getting stronger each day. It actually has been since December, and if you follow me on social media - at least on Twitter - you've probably seen some of the nasty feels and seen the emotional process. It didn't get too ugly, I tried to keep most of it off of social media. This is the first time I am addressing it head on in public. Only my friends and super close family knew what was going on with me/us. The separation of us. It's still weird thinking of things in the singular. There is no more we/us. I haven't made any of our shared friends choose sides, that would be wrong. Some of them have made their decisions, as seen by invitations or lack of invitations to group events. At first I was upset about it, but now I'm over it. Whoever is meant to be in your life will make the efforts to be a part of it. Cliche, but true. I am seeing more now than ever, who is really and truly there for me. I'm not getting too into this and it may have its own condensed post at some point, but probably not. 

Moving on to the next point(s)..

I have gotten way better at my makeup skills and skin care routine. I laughed when I read and saw the pictures in my old posts. New routines and products will be updated eventually. I originally had thought of giving this blog a new look and focus mainly on makeup and swatches. I do find (for me) it hard to look for swatches of nail polishes, lipsticks, foundations, etc on my skin tone or similar. It's either really white/pale skinned folks (can't leave out the boys!) or darker skin. There ain't nothing wrong with either, and I am honestly glad to see the darker ends of the spectrum being represented by more and more companies. But dang, the middle part of the spectrum needs some love too. I found some bloggers and more well known YouTubers in similar ranges, but the problem I find is that I don't know how honest the reviews are. Most of them are sponsored, overphotoshopped, or not relateable to a regular person who isn't a proMUA already. So I wanted to do something for the everyday Joes and Janes of the world. I still may consider this, even though my collection may not be as big as others, I feel like I have a good selection of brands and colors. I'm always picking up new things along the way too. Which may or not be a sign of an addicition. That's a whole post in itself too! Either way, the blog needs a facelift and re-branding of sorts when I find the time.

I have gained an incredible amount of weight compared to where I was a few years ago in my other posts. It makes me sad and I know I have to do better. I still carry my weight well, but I am becoming more conscious of it. Especially since I do more professional events for work and I have to dress up more. Dress clothes for anyone over a size 10/12 is a nightmare. I'm a 12/14, mostly because of the twins up top and wider hips. I still have a defined waist, and I carry most of my weight in my lower half. But my stomach is more noticeable now than ever. And I need to work on that. In the mean time, I have been looking for and buying more flattering clothes to my figure. I am a true believer in dresses now, and don't know why I never embraced them before. Dresses make getting ready in the mornings so much easier. They're ready-made, instant outfits. No planning or matching necessary. Just throw on some shoes and accessories and done! Dresses are now taking over my wardrobe, especially since I can't find a decent pair of professional work pants to save my life. That quest is never ending. 

Other than that, life is on the up and up. I can't say I've hit rock bottom, but things are looking up. After all the only way is up right? Positive thinking and all that.

Til the next time,
- L