Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A New Outlook..

It struck me today that I'm always worried about what everyone else thinks. Putting everyone else's needs before mine. Making sure everyone else is happy. But what about me? What about my needs? My happiness? When do I get to be selfish and just worry about myself? Whether my (almost ex) husband, my job, or my family, I am always doing for them and putting myself last. Granted there is no such thing as an all encompassing eternal happiness, but the small things have to count right? Mostly I'm thinking about my marriage here, but my job might be getting there too... 

Was I giving too much of myself and putting myself to the side for this man's happiness? I know I have friends on both sides of the argument. Those who think I should cut him off completely and forget about him. And those who want me to give him a second chance and take him back. None of what anyone else thinks matters though, It only matters what him and I choose to do. How we feel. But I am definitely starting to look at it differently. I mean there are two of us in the relationship, but the decision we made to separate was based on what would make HIM happier. Not me. I came out on the losing end (depending on how you look at it.) Why should I give in to what he wants? I've got feelings and emotions too! Either way though, we made the choice so he could feel better about doing what he's doing and still have the chance (if he wants to) come back. Lately though, I feel like it's less and less of a possibility. Not based on anything he has said, but based on how I feel. I look at him differently now. I see his flaws and weigh them more heavily than I did before. I'm beginning to look into the future for what I want. And it's refreshing. I can see a future where I'm happy - even if it's all by my lonesome. 

I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be by being alone. I LOVE it. No one to answer to, no one to have to worry about. I can go about my business without a care in the world. Create a living space I feel comfortable in, that I enjoy looking at and being in. It's so damn liberating. I can have people over and enjoy the company (Game Night folks I see y'all!) and not worry if anyone else might be bothered by it. Sure I still get spooked by weird sounds late at night, and the occasional thunder, but you know what? I'm getting through it. Now if I can get over my freak outs over bugs/insect/spiders, then I'll be in the clear. But I'm taking it all in stride. 

As for work, I obviously can't put myself first, but I can be less of a pushover. I'll work on that behind the scenes. 

Here's to thinking about me for once!
- L

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