I try not to overshare. But, lately, I feel like I do. Or at least that people think I do. It's not like I'm detailing every aspect of my life online (well maybe a little bit on Snapchat.) I'm definitely better than I was before. Thanks to these Facebook Memories, I can see exactly how much I used to overshare. It really amazes me that people still liked me after that. Or maybe they didn't and they were pretending. I don't detail my relationship (or lack of) online anymore. I don't rant as often on Twitter, post too excessively on Instagram. But I still feel like I need to take a step back. And so I'm slowly pulling myself off of social media. I'm snapping less, even while traveling. I don't actually post much on Facebook anyway, just re-share all those memes and weird pictures or food videos. Other than that, no real status updates or posts. Instagram will be the one thing I don't abandon completely because I want to keep my stats up. Not that I post anything groundbreaking. But I'm still deciding if I want to turn it over into a more food/makeup oriented account.
I think the disappointment in people from my birthday weekend also played a part in me wanting to share less. These people are NOT my friends. They're people I know from somewhere or the other. Past coworkers, people I've met in social gatherings, friends of friends of friends. But not real, or really there for me. They always say you "lose" more friends the older you get. And I never understood it before, but I do now. There are all these people who are situational, and so few who are there for you. I've also learned that the length of time I have known someone means absolutely nothing. It does not determine any obligations we have towards each other, and it definitely does not mean we have to remain close or the opposite - that we can't be close. People change, grow apart, are at different stages in their lives.. So I've learned to let go of some people, no matter if I've known them for over 10 years. And in the same token, learned that some of the newer people in my life can be just as close as the long termers.
All in all, I am taking a breather. I need to focus on myself and those who are willing to come with me on the journey.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Today is my 29th birthday. I made it another lap around the sun. I've survived all the bullshit that this year has brought me (so far.) And yet I'm sitting here minutes after midnight with a tear stained face. It's hit me pretty hard out of nowhere how utterly alone I am. I knew it was coming, tried to prepare for it, but I wasn't ready. This is my first birthday in over 8 years that I'm alone. Not just single, but alone. I'm just sitting here in my room freaking out and reflecting on life. I don't have a person that I can call up and have them come over. I don't have that person that's always there for me. For a long time that was him. And now it's not. And it sucks.
I "celebrated" my birthday this past weekend. But I use that term loosely. I went out on Saturday night and then crashed all day Sunday with a hangover so bad that I had to cancel brunch. But even the planning of my birthday night Saturday and brunch was a headache. I always say that people are unreliable and I'm going to stop planning events for my birthday. But I forge ahead anyway and always end up disappointed. So sadly, this is my last year doing it. While I do appreciate the people who always come out for me and show me love, it's frustrating dealing with everyone else. The people who said they were coming, but failed to show up on the day of, or even respond to messages. Or if they do come, but it's half hearted and I feel like they're not really there. I'm just so over it. I shouldn't be planning anything for myself to begin with, but I've never had that person to do things like that for me. No birthday surprise get togethers. No surprise birthday cake. ::sigh::And I don't want to sound ungrateful for the things I did get from my ride or dies. I loved everything they did for me. And I know it's not about the material. Trust me. Because money CAN'T buy happiness. Otherwise I'd be Mary F*n Poppins the way I've been buying things lately.. But I want that person. I want my twisted sister, my Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey. And I really want my McDreamy aka Derrick. Until then though, I'm going to keep it more low key. Fall back a bit and see where life takes me. I can't be the source of entertainment for other people. And that's how it feels right now. So maybe I'll do some more soul searching and make myself unavailable. See who reaches our and who doesn't. Figure out what I need to do to make myself happy. Get a dog. Join a new group. Volunteer. Something. I don't know. But I need to find something to do to get out of my shell.
This was a crappy post, especially for my birthday, but I just had to get it out there. Let's hope my Dirty 30 goes better.