Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Feelings... (With a LONG Overdue Update)

Feelings...there are a lot of those floating around lately. And it’s getting draining trying to suppress them like they aren’t there, like they aren’t important. It’s finally hitting me all at once and I am a hot mess. With everything going on at work and in my ‘ship life, I can’t handle it right now. At the very least my apartment is mostly together, so that’s one less thing to worry about. I forgot, it’s been awhile, so y’all don’t know! I moved into a new apartment in Jan. I got it on my own and its Mr ex free. Something that’s 100% my own space. And it feels great. It took a lot of adjusting to get used to it. But I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I can say I did this, this is mine. Spread my arms out and re-enact that scene from “The Sound of Music” where Julie Andrews is in the field of flowers. It just makes me feel GREAT. I am grateful I was able to get that part of my life together and take that step.

But back to all these pesky little feelings.. and other things you aren’t all aware of. I filed for divorce in Dec, right around the holidays because that’s as good a time as any right? He wasn’t going to initiate it until he had the money, etc etc (insert excuses here) but I needed it done for something else and I didn’t want to spend 2017 in even more limbo. I wanted to make it a clean break and a fresh start. So I took myself to court and submitted the paperwork one day before work. Let me tell you something. It is no easy task to do your own divorce. We don’t have any kids or assets to split, so not worth a lawyer. But jeez.. the forms are never-ending. Then there’s a waiting game to see if a judge will approve everything. Silly me, I didn’t know it would take a few MONTHS before I got a decision. I don’t know why I assumed it would have been all done in a few weeks. But as of 4/3/2017 I am officially divorced. I’m now a single woman and can take my name back. *APPLAUSE*

Everyone’s asked me how I felt about it and I just kind of shrugged it off. They’re expecting me to be sad, devastated, lost. But I’m happy that it’s over right? Put on a nonchalant fa├žade about it. Fuck it, he doesn’t know what he lost, I’m better off without him right? WRONG. I’ve tried to hide all the feels. But they’re finally catching up to me. It’s bittersweet maybe? I can breathe a sigh of relief now that I can close that chapter. But then I’m saddened that it is over. Even though I can stand back and look at everything that wasn’t ideal about our relationship/marriage, it still hurts. It still sucks. I had loved him. We loved each other. And now it’s over. That was a lot of time/energy/emotion invested for it to end like that. Then there is all this vulnerability that comes with it. Did I really do my best? Did we really try to make it work? We could have done counseling, therapy. We could have sat down and tried to listen to each other. But ultimately I know none of that would have made a difference. We grew apart. We are not the same people we were in college. Still I feel rejected. The man I married, the one I committed myself to, promised to love forever no longer wants me. After our separation, he came to the conclusion that I was not for him. The relationship was not what he wanted or needed at this juncture in his life. And that shit fucking hurts. No one wants to feel rejected, and isn’t this one of the biggest rejections? Granted, I came to the same conclusion that this relationship wasn’t for me, but still… Sigh.

I haven’t exactly thrown myself into dating either, not enthusiastically anyway. I somehow can’t manage to fully wrap my head around being single, how to be single. It’s been a long time and the game has changed. I talked to a few guys, but nothing serious. I vacillate between wanting a relationship and wanting to just enjoy my freedom and having my own space. Not having to explain myself to anyone, go about my own business and just be me. But then I want a kid(s) and how can that happen if there’s no one in the picture? I’m also not ready for that. Is there a timeline I should follow? An amount of time I’m supposed to be single before I hit the streets looking for Mr. material? Do I even want to get married again? (Probably not….)

For as much crap as I talk, I am not the better person here. I talk smack to make it seem like I’m fine. And maybe one day I will be. But right now I am not. Remember folks, everything you see on the surface, or on social media, is not what’s real. You are only seeing what I want you to see, what I want to show you. I DO NOT have my life together by any means. I only seem like I do.

On that note. I will end this essay here.

- L

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