Burn Out - Edited Version

There's been a lot going on with me recently, and I just feel so drained from everything. But the biggest issue is work. While I'm grateful to have a job that pays well with wonderful benefits, my mental health is on the decline. I won't go into details, but the way some employees are treated vs the way select few employees (including myself) are treated - it has me pulling my hair out. I just really need a breather. I should not know all of the things I know about. I'm mentally exhausted and ranting/venting to others about it doesn't help. I'm here barely a year and a half and I know I'm getting burned out. If I could lay it all out here, I would. But I can't. :( Just walking into the building in the mornings fills me with such heaviness and dread. I get off the elevator and already know my day is going to be terrible. The weekends are too short. And don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with my actual work, which is alright, but more the people I have to work with on my team and the blatant disrespect that occurs on a daily basis. Put it like this - any other job this shit would not fly. I've worked for companies where people were dismissed for much less.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

- L

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BMI Bullsh*t

Warning: This is a little bit of a ramble.

I spoke a little about this previously, but I know that I struggle with my weight. I find it hard to motivate myself. But for a little bit I was getting into it and working out, and it felt great! Then I fell off the wagon for a bit because of jury duty. Not an excuse, but I just couldn't make it work. I kept hoping each day would be the last, but it dragged out for almost 2 weeks. Then coming back to work I had to catch up on so many things. I had no time, energy, or motivation to work out. I still have been ok with my diet, I slipped up a bit, but I haven't had any noticeable weight gain. Not that it makes me in the clear, but at least I didn't completely go back to square one. But the one thing that has always plagued me is the BMI - Body Mass Index. It has almost always classified me as overweight, which at times I could understand, but I wasn't overweight all my life! More recently it's been telling me I'm Obese. I have a BMI of 30.1, so my Wii Fit says I'm obese and in danger of all these things, the Wellness Center at my job also says the same things. But then my waist is 32 inches and they say that's normal.

Now I am by far not trying to say I'm healthy. I know I'm not. My issue is with the BMI not accounting for the difference between fat/bone/muscle density (which are all different), body types/shapes, lifestyle, or male/female differentials. And I know I'm not the only one that thinks this way. I came across a few articles here, here and here. It makes me feel less crazy. I'm 5'5", 184 lbs, 32" waist, 38D/36DD, 41" hips. While I do have some excess in my abdomen that I want to lose, I do not look at myself in the mirror and see an obese person staring back. I carry most of my weight in my legs and lower half of my body, which is almost toned up. Plus that rack ain't light! If I could get rid of it I would. But I digress. It can be said the same of someone opposite. Someone mentioned it in the comments section on the article I linked above - "Number 11: On the opposite end of the spectrum, a person with low bone and muscle density may be deemed fit when in fact they may be too high in body fat percentage. This person could be a risk for heart disease, diabetes, etc. and not even be aware of it because his BMI appears normal." The BMI isn't all that reliable. Granted there are other ways to figure out your fat/muscle ratio, I just don't understand why this is so popular/mainstream, aside from being as cheap as it gets.

Having everyone tell me I'm obese and I'm going to die from all these diseases I'm at risk for gets on my nerves. For one it is disheartening to hear that I need to lose 40-50 lbs and a 'healthy' weight for me is 133-137 lbs. It makes the struggle seem even that much harder, that my goal is that much further. And its just not fair dammit. So I protest against the BMI and refuse to accept those numbers. I know how I feel and how I look. I'm (mostly) comfortable with the way I am and am taking the steps towards meeting my goals.

 Anyone else think their BMI category doesn't match up?

- L

Slowing Down

I know I've been trying to work out/do yoga/take fitness classes/go jogging at least 3-4 days a week. Plus blog 2x a week, stay on top of my game at work, and sleep at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Not to mention keeping up with the Mister and his all over the place schedule. It's hard when I work 9-5, and he works nights. I end up staying up late, waiting for him to get home. Let's just say it's not working out. I'm not getting the sleep I need, I'm crashing during the day, and making myself sick (although that's the ever changing weather getting to me.) So last week I gave up on fitness things. Gave the diet a brief break. I was sick and exhausted. Not going to lie, I did cave into some cravings (damn you marshmallow pies!) but I haven't been too bad. It's been a nice change of pace. But I know I can't throw all that hard work away. I lost 6 lbs since the beginning of April! It may not seem like a lot, but its a personal achievement for me. While my goal is to lose about 20 more lbs, it's not necessarily about numbers - whether it be pounds, inches or size. I more want to be healthy and fit. Feel comfortable with myself and not out of breath from running up the stairs to catch my bus/train.

I don't even want to go there with the weight that I supposedly need to lose. According to my Wii Fit Plus and the Wellness Program at my job, I need to lose a little over 40 lbs to be "healthy" according to the BMI scale. Yep. My BMI number is in the "obese" range. Dropping 40 lbs would put me at a "normal" BMI. I'll be going more into details about this in a future post because it does piss me off to no end. I know I'm not healthy, that I could shed a few pounds and tone up. But placing me in the obese category based on a formula that doesn't account for body type, muscle vs fat, male vs female. It's insane. The 40 lbs they want me to lose would make me look about as real as Barbie. I got hips, breasts, thighs. I'm not trying to look like a stick... Ugh. I'm done. There will be a rant post about this very soon.

I have jury duty this week, so I'm sure I won't be posting until that's over. Sorry for the mini rant above. I will reveal all my numbers too, so we'll get to know each other very well. LOL

til the next time,
- L

PS: I didn't forget about the giveaway. Just really lazy right now. Soon though! :)

Bus & Train Etiquette

If anyone knows me, they know I hate the MTA and the people that take it. I always have FB statuses about how pissed off I get. I catch serious twitter rage all the time. Traveling during peak rush hour in the morning and evening though, has put me at an all time high for sidewalk and other rages. I want my 11-7 schedule back :( I had time to sleep in, missed the morning rush, the bus and trains were fairly empty. Coming home, I caught a few crowds, but nothing major. Now though? I can't even begin to explain the madness that I go through going to and coming back from work. It's enough to make me want to stay home. At least its not that bad when the kids are off from school, because Lord only knows how irritating they are. It's not that hard to have basic etiquette when you're on public transportation. Here's a few basic things I think everyone should follow, and it would make the trip back and forth a little more tolerable.
  1. If you see a line for the bus, don't think you can get away with cutting in the front. Especially not when the line is long and doubles up. You must be crazy. And if by chance someone lets you cut, don't you dare be obnoxious and brag about it. There was a chic that did that once. She cut the line, cursed everyone out for saying something to her, then got on the bus and was on her phone, loud as hell, talking about how someone didn't want her to cut the line, but she cut anyway and she can do what she want to do, F everybody. Like really? Ok. When you grow up, and someone does that shit to you, after you've been standing up in the cold after a long hard day at work, you're gonna want to punch that bitch in the face too. I'm a firm believer in karma, so I can only imagine how she would react when that happens to her. And I hope it does. 
  2.  We all have somewhere to go, and you have the insane urge to bum rush everyone off the bus, train, up or down the stairs. Don't do it. It's especially rude when I'm on the bus with the Mister, sitting together and people rush to get off and separate us. Like you see us sitting here together, I'm getting up right behind him and then you just cut me off. I hope someone does that to you and your kids or someone you're with and see how it feels. This morning this chic climbed over my bag (I had it on my feet) and over someone else's lap, just to get a head start out the bus door, while everyone else is getting up. So she got stuck right after crossing my bag, so I stood up and walked close behind her and was bumping her every step she took, until we were off the bus. Bitch move, I know. But I really wanted to hit her with my bag. She gave me the stank eye and ran off as soon as we got out the bus. I laughed. She was in a rush, thought I was helping her out.
  3. Taking up 2 or 3 seats just because you feel like a 'boss' when its crowded, don't do that either. 
  4. Having your kids wreak havoc on a crowded bus or train. Or at all. Especially when they stare all up in some stranger's face, or sit there and kick the persons leg, or crawl all over them. While you sit there and just idly say "stop, don't do that." Or you let them play "I Spy" loudly while they call out things about random people on the bus. If you can't control your kids, then keep them with you. Don't let your 5 kids be spread out across the back of the bus, all over and in between people.
  5. And definitely don't drive your stroller down the crowded bus because you don't want to fold it up and the bus driver is too pussy to tell you not to do that. And then be ignorant and loud about the ignorant shit you just did, while you change your baby's nasty stank diaper on the bus and tell everyone if they don't like it they could get off the bus, they don't have to sit there, you can and will do whatever you want. When someone does that at your wedding (like that will ever happen for ya) don't complain. Karma.
There's more, but I can't think of all of them off the top of my head. These are definitely real life experiences. The bus pisses me off more than the train, that's for sure. Maybe you think I sound psychotic, but I swear to you, if you witnessed these things, you'd be at your wits end too. Especially if you had to face this everyday. I'm not even factoring everyone's attitudes, loud mouths, gross behavior, or any other outside factors. This is the tip of the ice berg.

I hope people leave all this bullshit in the old year. None of y'all better do any of this either!

Until next year,

No respect

***DISCLAIMER - this is MY blog and I'm discussing MY feelings/thoughts. DON'T come on here and leave negative feedback trying to bash me. You don't like what you're reading, hit the 'x' and keep it moving. I'm not racist either, I love and accept everyone for who they are.***

This is a small add on to what I was mentioning in my previous post, about being treated differently in certain neighborhoods. People are always testing me and trying my patience. Most of you who know me, know my attitude is the worst - and that's on a good day. Usually I don't have one unless you start with me first. I try to mind my own business. I was on the train last night and it's crowded, rush hour, and this chic kicks and steps on me. I look up to see if she would say excuse me or apologize, I didn't have headphones on and neither did she. Nope. All she did was stare me down like I was wrong and posed up on the pole. Fine I'm gonna let it go, people are ignorant, whatever. I rolled my eyes and counted down to calm myself. Let her stare me down if she wants to, I didn't do anything to her! But a group of loud chicks come on the train invading her space and she just sits there quiet with her face screwed up, looking the other way. I'm getting off the train and walking up the stairs, and the same chic comes and rushes behind me, knocking into me hard with her bag. Again I look at her to see if she would say anything. Nope just stares me down, grilling me - almost like she wants me to say something. I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. "She's not worth it" I tell myself and keep it moving. I still see her out the corner if my eye walking behind me, but I just walk up and go about my business.

Now I said all if this without mentioning race. Can you tell me what race this individual was? It really only happens with one racial group anyway. Also, usually only with kids or people around my age group. I mean I'm 25, but depending on how I dress, I can look younger. But still most of the time you can tell I'm not in high school. Yet this type of thing happens to me all the time. I'm almost positive that if I looked more Jamaican or Trini that it wouldn't happen as often. People in certain neighborhoods more often than not will try to mess with me and it's like c'mon, why are you even doing it anyway? What do you have to prove? Even when I go to Jamaican restaurants, I make the Mr order for me because they won't even pay attention to me when I walk in. We both look Hispanic, but he has the accent that suddenly changes how they act. But me, with no accent at all, I barely get to put in my order.

Now even though Golden Krust is not a real Jamaican restaurant to most people, they still have Jamaicans working there. I go in from time to time when I'm in a pinch for food, and I'm always getting played. It was about 2 Saturdays ago (when I went to donate blood) and I walked into Golden Krust to get some porridge before I got in the train. I'm there and it's fairly empty, 1 person in front of me, few people sitting. I get to the counter and the lady had walked away to talk to someone working in the back. I'm standing there for a few minutes before she walks up to ask me what I want to order, when this guy walks up behind me and starts talking to her over me. They're speaking with the Jamaican accent over me like I'm not even there. I copped a 'tude with her and she mumbled something under her breath and rushed me out. Most of the times I notice the level of service I get compared to "fellow Jamaicans." I'm often given lackluster service, not even a hello/good morning etc even when I greet them nicely. But let someone walk in with an accent and their whole demeanor changes. I'm really about to just boycott Golden Krust though. The food is not even worth it.

I'm saying all of this here, because it's my blog and personal space to do so and I can be more open about it. When I write about them on FB though, people have issues. And yes I don't write my statuses in the most PC way, but it's what I see. I'm not writing "Fuck these n*****s I don't like them." That would be some racist shit. I write about dumb things I see on the bus/train that make me upset because they're portraying stereotypes that are on tv/movies/media. Or doing something that everyone else is looking at them for because they know its so wrong and they're embarrassed by it. But I'm always wrong for saying anything about it or even ringing it up because I'm not black or black enough to people. I'm called racist and told that I don't like black people. But it's ok for you to say it because you have the complexion to back it? I've see it on my social media sites plenty of times. I say one thing and I'm put down for saying it and people are offended, but then someone else will say the same thing I said and it's ok because they have more color on them. I have learned to stop putting things out there on social media, I'm not a compete twit. I get it. People will always have something to say. There's so much I can say about this particular topic, but I won't. I'm ending it here.

Remember my disclaimer before you say anything in the comment box. I approve them before they're posted.

- L